im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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