If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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