Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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