I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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