My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
