We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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