I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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