I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
