omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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