I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
