Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
