I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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