You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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