It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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