Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
