sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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