I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
