mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize
