tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
