I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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