She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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