Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
