I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
