I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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