This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We got so high we made milksteak
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
