Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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