i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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