splinters make it hard to masturbate
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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