pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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