I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
