Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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