if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
