I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
