Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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