How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
