Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
