You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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