Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
