There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
oh god the rape fog is back!
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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