Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
