Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
