I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
