I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Damn victory sex feels great
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
