I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
