Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
