I am puke
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
