Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
