I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
