so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
