I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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