It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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