I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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