Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
