Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Holy shit dude........stairs
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
