I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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